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Category Archives: cacaroches

As america votes, many people around the world are voting too.

its like global american idol, only in this reality show the one that bullshits the best gets a planet earth to play with for 4 years. but atleast on this show, we dont have to put up with hours upon hours of ryan seacrest.

unless youre an E! channel viewer, in which case i hope you enjoyed E!’s 10 best dressed candidates of all time,…

hoover had such pizzazz,… apparently.

here in the middle east, the term “stupid americans” has been used for decades to describe anything worth bitching and / or moaning about; the presidents that are chosen, the wars in the world, the price of tea in china, boys dressing like girls and vice versa, girls acting like boys and vice versa, pollution, traffic pollution, bad taste in music pollution, tv shows that are too sexy, tv shows that are too religous,…. and the list goes on.

basically, if you stubbed your toe on the coffee table it was america’s fault for inventing coffee tables and forcing the rest of us to buy them through their super-secret-mossad-CIA agents at IKEA. ( bah! the swedish, they are just americans who didnt leave to america! ).

this years campaign has been incredibly interesting in that it has managed to capture the attention of even those who would normally not give a shit in this region,…. and before, you couldnt really blame them,…

“who’s running this year?”

“some rich old white guy, and some other older richer white guy.”

“ahh,… i hope the they choose the white guy.”

it was like boxing,… only in negative.

this year the election turned techni-coloured, and techni-genitalled.

and this year the conversations were something like this:

“dude! (or arabic equivalent) they got a black guy running this year!”

“pffft he’ll never get in, the old white guys will not allow it to happen”

fast forward 21 months:

“dude! he’s gonna get in”

“oh i bloody well hope so!”

bloody foreigner: ” so youre supporting obama?”

“of course!”

bloody foreigner: “how comes? i would have thought the republican values would be closer to your traditional values.”

“because he is like us, he will understand our plight being a black in america.”

bloody foreigner: “umm but youre not a black american in america”

“he will understand our struggle better than some rich old white man”

i could have brought up the fact that he was this area’s equivalent to america’s rich old white man but that might have been a tad impolite,….

bloody foreigner: “fair enough, but what about the issues, there is alot that the democrats stand for that is against your traditional values like taxes, afghanistan, gay marriage and abortion” ( this sentence makes me sound alot more coherent than i actually am in person.)

” well the important thing is that he wants change, and that is what the world needs!”

bloody foreigner: “and,…?”

“and nothing, if i were in america i would vote for him because he wants to change the way the world is, mccain will just be another bush, and we dont need another bush”

bloody foreigner: ” and how is he going to bring about this “change” ?”

“he just will, just being a black man in the white house will change everything!”

which i found funny, cos apparently all obama has to do is just be black,…. easy enough, only hes not, being only half black,…

yeah they didnt think it was as amusing as i did, so they just stared at the foreigner who was chuckleing to himself like a madman.

but there you have it.

that is all that matters apparently.

as for the pro-mccain-ers in this region, they basically echo the pro-mccain-ers in america, plus some pretty politically incorrect racial comments, which actually arent considered that politically incorrect over here.

people the world over have overwhelmingly thrown their support behind the candidate that has bullshited the best. the one who said he will bring “change” but not really how, which is actually both of them as mccain is also calling for “change” and not saying how,…. but only after he realized that this marketting tactic did wonders for obama.

buy this can of perfume, it will make you sexually attractive to the opposite sex,… we just hope you believe us and dont ask us to prove it.

so the whole world this time around is standing up and taking sides.

and the whole world, just like america, has been suckered into the rhetoric of one party or another.

perhaps it is fitting that the rest of the world doesnt get to vote, because it seems that even tho the message being regurgitated is specifically designed for the “stupid americans” everyone else in the world is swallowing it and taking sides in equal measures.

but then again, its not all that surprising is it?

after all we eat at the same restaraunts, we wear the same clothes, we drive the same cars, we listen to the same music and we watch the same tv shows.

so apparently the “we” that is the rest of the world, have proven this year to be just as capable at making the same character based decisions as our supposedly dimmer north american friends.

if we, the world, get who we want into the white house, then who do “we” call “stupid” from now on?

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this blog endorses Stephen Colbert,…

COLBERT 2012!!!

go on i dare you

go on i dare you

the scenario to come:

warplanes, most likely of israeli origin, swoop down and take out iran’s “peaceful” nuclear reactors.

pilots go “shalom!” and break out the creamcheese bagels for their flight home.

and then?

the question on everyone’s mind is not whether or not a strike will occur, but rather “when” and “what the fuck will the iranians do?”

according to one iranian commander: ” …..our finger is always on the trigger and we have hundreds and even thousands of missiles ready to be fired against predetermined targets,” Gen. Hossein Salami, commander of the Revolutionary Guard ground forces. [Link]

apparently their fingers are also busy with photoshop trying to hide missiles that dont go off [Link}

the photoshoped:

the original:

yes they suck at photoshop as much as they suck at being the biggest automobile producer in the middle east.

see,… you didnt know they made cars did you?

why bother photoshopping?

it doesnt make sense.

but then again not much coming out of tehran ever does make that much sense,… take the interview on fareed zakaria’s gps show on cnn with the iranian foreign minister,… dude said:

“before we discuss the halting of uranium enrichment, we must discuss the agenda for the meeting on the discussion of the discussion of the halting of any uranium enrichment discussion.”

wow….

just,… wow….

no wonder he’s in charge of every government’s bullshit factory,… he just does it so well.

but i digress,…

so what could iran do in the event of a strike?

not much actually, and here’s why:

1- lob firecrackers at israel:

as if israel is not prepared,… chances are there are 10 times more patriot batteries than iranian missiles. add to that the fact that the us military in the gulf will the first to hear about any launch, i reckon the israelis will have time to switch on the patriots, put the kettle on, make a kosher bacon sandwhich, hit record on the vcr for what ever israeli soap that the iranians will be rudely interupting, and head down to the bunker.

the iranians know this,… and it would be very embarassing indeed if their loyal american flag burners through out the arab/muslim world tuned in to watch the great destruction of tel aviv only to be greeted with the scene of israelis sitting in lawn chairs enjoying a “patriot n’ scud misslie” light show.

i doubt the iranians would risk this possible loss of face for a couple of measly reactors they could rebuild.

this is why we didnt hear much about the strike on the syrian facility last september?

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2- block the strait of hormuz:

incase you dont know what it is, its that narrow bit of sea through which 30-40% of the world’s oil passes.

the most likely result of this would be to send oil prices sky high.

“we will scare the west into submission by making a trip to the supermarket more expensive than a high class hooker on new years eve!” they reckon.

riiiiight,….

iran already has almost no one in their corner. doing this will piss off everyone,…

more importantly they will piss off the people that matter:

joe / gunther / pierre / sven blow suburbia, mr newly middle class chan and his good friend mr surresh of new yuppie bombay, as well as many others around the world.

it has already gotten to the point that the average working man now realises that “something must be done to secure more oil” atleast, until an alternative is found. if a nation’s truck drivers and street cleaners are saying this because they are struggling to put food on their table guess how easy it will be for their governments to launch as many “necessary strikes” as possible.

pushing oil to crazy prices could actually be tehran’s downfall.

and lets not forget the iranians,… they’ve seen whats going on in the gulf, so how long before they start asking when they will see the benefits of high oil prices instead of record inflation and having their gasoline rationed cos iran cant produce enough for its own use.

ultimately, war is about who has more money and who has more gas. iran has some money, but no gas. tanks dont run on iranian rials.

blocking hormuz will force everyone to rally against them, even diehard anti-israeli/american jihadis will start to wonder if this is all worth US$10 a liter orange juice, so again not likely.

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3- a retaliation strike against us military installations in their neighbours:

hitting kuwait, bahrain, iraq, afghanistan, qatar or even dubai will simply confirm america’s assertion that iran is nuts.

iran hates it when america is right, so just to piss america off it probably wont happen.

to do so would be to become the world’s new north korea,… and from recent events, even north korea doesnt want to be the world’s north korea any more.

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so what could happen?

i dont know.

its not like they can do a syria and deny that there was a strike, nor can they say that it was only a military warehouse.

theres actually not much they could do.

unless they happen to have an army of big purple people eaters,…. then we’re all screwed.

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one thing is certain tho,…

i get the feeling that there is a rift of some sort between the generals and the supreme council.

why?

well the skirmishes that go unreported for one.

the british sailor hostages for another.

its as if the military is saying ” come on if you think you’re hard enough! (cos we want you to bomb tehran and kick those nutcases out)”

the generals arent stupid, and i think 30 years of ayatollah mismanagement is finally starting to piss them off.

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as usual i could be wrong, so breakout your gasmasks just in case cos it could still go juuuuuust a little bit wonky.

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or more specifically, your search queries.

the search terms that lead people to my site never fails to amuse me. so this is my way of saying thank you for adding numbers to my stats 😛

1. bacon: – 406 hits

bacon comes from pigs, is really yummy with eggs, and can be fatal if you eat enough of it.

which is pretty easy cos yes it does taste that good!

this bacon is also pretty good too, but i cant attest to the taste of him:

you’ll have to ask his wife about that.

and then there is francis bacon who was quite good with a pack of crayons. he did this:

2. hamilton pool:- 279 hits.

no idea what this was exactly but after googling: – apparently its a nature preserve in texas. heres the link youre probably looking for: hamilton pool.

gorgeous aint it?

3. cacaroches:- 144 hits.

to kill cacaroches you will need:

1 frying pan,

4 bags of 1kg flour,

3 onions,

2 tins of tomatoes and

a pound of apples.

the next time you see a cacaroche,….

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THROW ALL THAT SHIT AT IT TILL YOU KILL THE EVIL DEMON SPAWN!!!

the one thing that alot of people overlooked while reading about this story, and i admit i overlooked it too, is that the girl and her male companion who wasnt her relative were both kidnapped,….

and “both” of them were gang raped.

😐

hmmm so heres how i see it,….

girl meets boy to get pics.

gang somehow hears about this,..

gang consider it to be illegal, an act of great shame, and punishable by the wrath of god.

so they decide to be said wrath of god and:

a) kidnap both of them – illegal, an act of crime, punishable by the wrath of god.

b) rape the girl –  illegal, an act of crime, punishable by the wrath of god.

and by far the most mind boggling bit,…

c) rape the guy – illegal, an act of crime, punishable by the wrath of god in a big big way since homosexuality is a big no-no in just about any of the major relgions. probably one of the biggest no-no’s out there.

so appart from the fact that yes they obviously were men of minature mental capacity,….

and they were obviously on some righteous religious crusade,…

well, heres my question,….

and mind you i’ve heard this said in other circles so i’m wondering about your opinion,….

is it the case that its only an act of homosexuality,…..

and youre only considered homosexual,…..

if you are the one penetrated and not the one doing the penetrating ?

is that why you hear of so many cases of guys getting raped in this region?

cos they think it doesnt make them officially gay?

boggles the mind it does.

hahaha!

ahhhh those search engine terms that lead people to my blog crack me up!

“get cacaroches out of ur room”

well someone out there needs our help folks, and as someone who absolutely detests “cacaroches” i think its time we do the right thing and devise a global plan to rid the universe of them.

and “cacaroches” i think is quite a fitting name.

so what are your top tips on getting rid of cacaroches?